Eyerex
04-19-2005, 01:49 AM
Dear Employee,
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for company payroll, we are forced to cut down on personnel. Under a new plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting retention of younger people who will represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This progamme will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees may also undergo a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the progamme is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once and
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
appropriate.
If any employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severence) or CLAP Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income of Dependant Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will not be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the Company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its program of employee development through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area.
If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can take.
Once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
The Management.
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for company payroll, we are forced to cut down on personnel. Under a new plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting retention of younger people who will represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This progamme will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees may also undergo a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the progamme is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once and
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
appropriate.
If any employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severence) or CLAP Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income of Dependant Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will not be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the Company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its program of employee development through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area.
If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can take.
Once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
The Management.